Working with Death Wednesday: Doctor

Today I'm pleased to have a former classmate from Goucher College on the death writer blog.

Dr. Lainie Holman is a pediatric physiatrist in Cincinnati, Ohio. She is board certified in Pediatrics, Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation. She has two teenagers.

DW: Why did you want to become a doctor?
LH: At first, I was attracted to the science aspect, and the idea of being able to do something definitive to help someone. I still like those things, but after a while I began to realize that the part I dig most is the very intimate narrative that runs in the doctor-patient relationship. Everyone has a story, and everyone wants to tell it to someone who will listen. Especially to someone who is sworn to confidentiality.

DW: Have any of these stories shocked you?
LH:  In the beginning, but not anymore. It’s become more amusing than shocking. I had a kid once who was chewing on a string from his mattress quilting and managed to get it tied to his tongue. And the things they put in various orifices are hilarious. After a week or so, Rice Krispies in the ear are really gross. And there was once a kid who put a plastic Aquaman in his urethra.

But some of them remain very tragic. I had a patient recently who was born with essentially only a brainstem. His heart beats and he can breathe, but he doesn’t have any real cortical function. It’s something that might have been seen on ultrasound, except that his mother is 17 and didn’t know she was pregnant until she went into premature labor.

DW: Did you realize in the beginning of your professional journey that you would be dealing with death? I know this seems like a ridiculous question, but I have to ask it.
LH: Yes.

Tuesday Movie: 50/50

I picked this film because... a.) It's a really wonderful movie about one young man dealing with a cancer diagnosis. b.) Cancer is very prevalent. I bet everyone who reads this blog has someone they know who has received a diagnosis of Cancer.  Or maybe they have. Some people get cancer, get treated and go on to live a normal life, while others aren't so lucky. c.) Today my dad is going in for a biopsy as his doctor at the VA suspects Cancer.  He's almost 80, so this news is not quite as tragic as someone diagnosed young.  Knowing my dad, he'll be fine. And if he isn't, we'll do our best to make the remainder of his life as comfortable as possible. So, back to the movie.  Guess what?  SPOILER ALERT...

Monday Mournings: The Death of a Grandmother

I didn't have anyone to talk with today, so I'm going to interview myself about the only person I've known and loved who died.  

Who was the person that died?

My grandma Lola.  

How old were you at the time?

Fourteen

How old was the person?

Eighty-six

Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen?

It wasn't sudden like a car accident, but it felt sudden.  My mom took her to the doctor at the beginning of December, she was diagnosed with cancer, admitted to the hospital and on December 21 she died.

Did you and the person talk about their death? 

No.  Never.  Didn't get the opportunity.

Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before this person died?

No.

Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving?

My mom and I didn't really talk about it, even though grandma Lola had lived with us since I was seven.  It was a very strange time and I was in the throes of adolescent angst.  I didn't know how to process it.

Is there anything you wish you'd done differently with this person?

I wish I'd told her how much I appreciated her presence in my life.  I was kind of a pain. My grandma loved pork and we ate it ALL the time.  Even when we didn't eat pork, there was bacon grease in almost everything she cooked.  I complained a lot.  I wish I'd been nicer to her.

Was she buried or cremated?

Buried

Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you'd like to share?

Well, no, but now I know that it's important to talk to kids about death and not to "protect" them when people are dying.  I wasn't allowed to visit her at the hospital and I don't know why that was.  I wish I would have been able to say goodbye.  And to thank her for teaching me how to knit, make kick butt cookies and for helping me out with my paper route.

Last but not least, were any songs played at the memorial that were important to the person?  

Okay, here's the kicker.  I was fourteen but I can't for the life of me remember her memorial service.  All I remember is the three hour drive.  My family members started singing Beatles' songs to pass the time and I was so pissed off that I wanted to jump out of the car.  It did not seem like the proper way to mourn someone.  What did I know?

Working with Death Wednesday: A Writer and an EMT

Today I am so excited to post an essay written by Mike Cyra right here on my blog.  Mike found this blog when I posted an interview with my friend Katie, who is also an EMT.  Mike has written a book called Emergency Laughter and it's available right here on Amazon You can also check out Mike's website here.
Grab a Kleenex and be sure to let Mike know you were here by commenting or clicking one of the boxes below.  Or buy his book.

Two Little Angels

It was a beautiful sunny day in a perfect neighborhood, at a perfect house, with perfect parents and two perfect children.

The six-year-old twin girls ran across the manicured lawn toward their mother who was drinking iced tea and talking with her neighbor.

“Mommy can we go to the kitchen and get something to drink”? In a stern voice their mother said, “Yes, but only to the kitchen and then come right back here.” The girls raced each other to the front door of the house yelling, “OK, We will.”

They didn’t even slow down at the kitchen. In seconds they were in the backyard kicking their shoes off and climbing the ladder.

Mothers have an internal alarm that sounds when things are not as they should be. It was too quiet. She called out her daughter’s names loudly. When they didn’t answer she began walking toward the house. She yelled their first and middle names. No sound. Red flags of fear and panic flashed in her brain. She dropped her glass of iced tea and raced around the side of the house into the back yard.

Her scream pierced the air. “Oh God noooo!” The neighbor lady’s hands shook uncontrollably as she flipped open her phone and pressed 911.

Tuesday Movie: Million Dollar Baby

This is the second time I've selected a Clint Eastwood film for my Tuesday movie.  I guess I like Clint's movies.  There are several reasons to love this film. For one, it's got Morgan Freeman who I would pay to read the phone book.  He just oozes integrity in every role he's in. Hillary Swank is phenomenal as Maggie the boxer and who doesn't love a good boxing movie?  Rocky, Cinderella Man, The Fighter, etc...

I don't want to give the plot away if you haven't seen it, but I totally recommend it.  My husband gave me a signed script from this film, which is kinda cool. I used to write screenplays and he knew this movie was one of my faves.
Well, you already know that if a movie appears on this blog, there's at least one death in the film.  So, there's your spoiler.  Have Kleenex next to your popcorn and enjoy!

Monday Mournings: The Death of a Friend

My name is David Cambron Justin and I am 38 years old. I’m originally from Grand Prairie, Texas, a DFW Metroplex suburb, but currently live in Hurst, Texas, yet another suburb in the Metroplex. I work as a service representative for the Evil Galactic Empire. At least, that’s what I call the telecom giant that employs me. When I’m not working, commuting, playing softball or writing, I spend time with my twin daughters and my girlfriend.

DW: Who was the person that died?
DCJ: One of my best friends, Charles William Hass, on January 27, 2001. We were both members of Kappa Kappa Psi, National Honorary Band Fraternity, although we were never members of the same chapter. He was initiated and served in the Gamma Pi chapter at Purdue University in Indiana, while I was initiated and served in the Epsilon Kappa chapter at Angelo State University and also served in the Delta Sigma chapter at the University of Texas at Arlington, both in Texas. We met when he took a job transfer to the DFW Metroplex.

DW: How old were you at the time?
DCJ: I had just turned 27.

DW: How old was your friend?
DCJ: He was also 27.

DW: Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen?
DCJ: Very sudden. Charles was an industrial engineer at FedEx. He had just transferred to the San Francisco Bay Area two months before his death. According to police reports, Charles was walking out of a convenience store in Oakland, California, with Aaron, a guy he had just started dating. Willie Green, who falsely identified himself as a police officer, attempted to detain them. Aaron asked to see a badge and when Green refused, he went into the store and told them to call police. When Aaron returned, Green, who stood 6’4 and weighed 240 lbs had picked Charles up by his jacket. Charles was 5’9 and weighed 140 lbs. Aaron attacked Green, who then turned and stabbed Aaron in the chest, the knife puncturing his lung. But Aaron stunned Green by hitting him in the head with a bottle and he and Charles escaped. However, unbeknownst to Aaron, while holding Charles in the air, Green stabbed Charles deep in the chest, penetrating his heart. Charles did not survive. Aaron eventually recovered. Willie Green was eventually found guilty and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

DW: Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before your friend died?
DCJ: Yes. I had several older relatives pass away, including my grandfather. However, I wasn’t very close to any of them, so the emotional impact was very minimal. Charles’ death was overwhelming to me, as it was to many, many people. He travelled extensively and never met a stranger. No one claimed him as just a ‘friend.’ If you knew him, then he was a great friend or a best friend because he truly and deeply cared about you and always would. Since then, I’ve attended funerals for two more brothers. One died of brain cancer, the other from a motorcycle accident.

DW: Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving?
DCJ: There were many of us, fraternity brothers of Charles, that grieved together. We were all very supportive of each other.

DW: Is there anything you wish you’d done differently with this person?
DCJ: Honestly, no. During the short time I knew Charles, I spent a wonderful amount of time with him at parties, dinners, fraternity conventions, road trips, etc… He was always up for a new adventure and I was lucky enough to be apart of that.

DW: Was he buried or cremated?
DCJ: I believe that he was buried but I don’t know for sure. I was unable to attend his funeral. It was held in Indianapolis, where he was from and where his mother and sister still lived. Those of us in Texas held our own memorial for him based on our fraternal customs. I was honored to give the eulogy.

DW: Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you’d like to share?
DCJ: The thing that I noticed the most was that we all grieved in very different ways. Some of the brothers wanted to grieve privately, while others wanted the company. This was really the first time I truly grieved over the loss of someone close to me, so it was very difficult.

DW: Were any songs played at the memorial that were important to your friend?
DCJ: We didn’t play any music, but we sang our fraternity hymn, which very appropriately contains these words:

I do not know how long ‘twill be, 

Or what the future holds for me. 

But this I know, if I must die, 

I am a brother of K-K-Psi.

And folks, if you don't comment, please click one of those boxes down there.  Pretty please?

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Yesterday was my birthday, which always seems to coincide with the beginning of school and the shocked realization that the plans I had at the beginning of summer break didn't quite pan out.  So, now I've got exactly one week to help my son with his math skills (if I can find those flash cards I bought for fifty cents at Thrift Town back in May) and convince my daughter that sports are really fun (and proving it by taking her to an outdoor basketball court or some other sports like place so that she'll become the female Michael Jordan at tryouts for the Junior High basketball team) but it's really hot outside and I feel more inclined to simply let it be.

So, what did we do this summer?

My son learned to swim.  Well, sort of.

I worked on keeping this blog up and running.  I did not work on my manuscript as planned.  Having two kids around at all times is sort of a distraction.

I took my kids to the library every week like clockwork and participated in the summer reading program.  While it's true they spent most of their time in front of the TV or the computer, they also did a lot of reading. Last week, I was called by the library and informed that I won a Kindle and that my daughter won a gift card to Wal Mart.  I was shocked and sort of pleasantly surprised, despite the fact that I always said I'd never buy an E reader.  Well, technically, I didn't buy it.  I still plan to buy books that are made with paper and I'll use the Kindle for library check-outs.  Speaking of which, I just finished "11/22/63" by Stephen King. Loved it!

We did not go on any fancy vacations, but we did manage to go visit my Mom and her husband for a week last month.  It was a nice visit and we all got to attend a cousin's wedding.  I don't get to go to many of those in this decade of my life.

On the consumer level, we are ready for school to start.  My kids both have a new pair of tennis shoes, lunch bags and a few new articles of clothing so they feel spiffy.  I am ready for the routine, but I don't think any of us are ready for the 6:30 alarm to ring.

What did you do on your summer vacation?  Anything exciting?

Working with Death Wednesday: Veterinarian

Today, I have Carrie La Jeunesse, DVM, CT, CCFE on the Death Writer Blog.  I'm very excited to have a veterinarian share her experience with us!

Carrie graduated from University of California, Davis, School of Veterinary Medicine in 1983. After completing an internship in small animal medicine and surgery, she entered private practice (primarily emergency and critical care for most of her career). She owned a house call practice wherein home euthanasias were frequent. Dr. La Jeunesse holds CT (Certified in Thanatology) and CCFE (Certified Compassion Fatigue Educator) certificates and is commissioned as a Spiritual Director. In addition to veterinary practice, Carrie maintains private bereavement support and spiritual direction practice.
She contributes to magazines on issues related to death and dying, spiritual care, and compassion fatigue. In addition, she presents continuing education and workshops/retreats and provides consulting in all of the aforementioned areas. Past President (2010) of the Washington StateVeterinary Medical Association (WSVMA), she is currently a trustee of the Washington State Animal Health Foundation and member of the ember of the WSVMA animal welfare committee.

Some links you and readers might find useful:
adec.org (Association for Death Education and Counseling)
wsvma.org (Washington State Veterinary Medical Association...links to resources for pet owners)

DW:  Why did you want to become a veterinarian?
CLJ:  I became a veterinarian out of a love for medicine, working with people (as clients) and other animals (as patients). I love to learn, and the field is challenging and requires life long learning.

Tuesday Movie: Scream

Yep, this is the first time I've ever had a horror film as one of my selections, because let's face it, horror films are chock full of death.  And, well, they're kind of violent and scary.  So, why did I pick Scream? Here's a fun bit of trivia for ya... I was an extra in it.  I played a high school student when I was 26 and I appear onscreen for about three seconds in all my paranoid glory.

Why paranoid?  Well, it was a huge scene and we were just supposed to walk or mill about in front of the high school.  After about two takes a frantic production assistant tapped me on the arm and said, "You keep blocking Neve."  I'm like okay.  I had no idea who Neve was.  So I walked really slowly and carefully in the next shot.

I hung out with an older woman for most of the day.  Her daughter was working on the film and she introduced me to Wes Craven.  That was pretty cool.

So, have you ever been an extra in a film?  Seen Scream?  I'm not a huge fan of that genre, but I think the first film was pretty good.  They killed off the star, Drew Barrymore, in the first ten minutes.  Because of that move, we knew that no one was safe.

Monday Mournings: The Death of Two Children

My name is Jennifer Forbes and I’m 53 mother of 5. I’m a transplanted New Yorker currently living in Virginia with Bill my husband of 31 years, we are empty-nesters. I'm committed to the community in which I live and am an avid volunteer. My two favorite and longest commitments were when the kids were young and I volunteered in their schools and then later working with The Daughters of Charity, an Order of Vincentian Sisters serving the poor in our community from our Parish Church Outreach Office. Now I am currently caring for my elderly mother.

DW: Who were the people that died?
JF:  Our youngest daughter Gretchen and our youngest son Eric were the ones who died.

RIP David Rakoff

This was a weird day today. Let me explain. When I started graduate school, I wrote three book reports and now two out of the three writers are dead. The writers are David Foster Wallace and David Rakoff. David Foster Wallace's death played an instrumental, although very accidental, part in the choosing of my thesis topic. My mentor, Diana was supposed to call me, but her call was delayed because she was on the phone with a friend who had just broken the news that DFW had killed himself. I kept calling her number and a funeral home kept answering. When Diana and I finally connected, we talked about death, specifically people who work with death. A thesis was born. And also a blog.

It's Just Wednesday

I have nothing.  Nada.  No professionals.  No writers. I don't even have anything clever to say. I'm tapped.  I hate to say this, but I think I've lost my will to blog.  I know people read this blog as I see the little traffic ticker go up by about 100 points on days that I do post something and by about 50 on days that I don't, but I realize that the nature of this blog makes it kind of weird to be a devoted follower/commenter.  It's about death.  It's one of those blogs that you might like to read every once in awhile, but not every day.  And because it's about death (mostly personal stories of death), people feel somewhat weird about commenting, just like they do in real life.  What am I supposed to say?  I'm sorry?  She had a nice long life?  The sun will come out tomorrow? Thanks for sharing your incredibly sad story and making me cry?

Tuesday Movie: The Dark Knight Rises

I don't get out to see many movies, but my husband and I decided to go see The Dark Knight Rises on Saturday.  We both had wanted to see this in the theater, as there are some movies that you need to see on the big screen.  This was one of them.  But let me tell ya, I felt weird being there. So many lives were lost in Aurora and I don't know how to explain it, but I felt sad and guilty for watching this film.

If there hadn't been the tragedy, I probably would have enjoyed it more.  It's a REALLY dark movie.  And the mass shooting in Colorado echoes some of the action on the screen. I guess I'm torn.

Did you see it?  What did you think?

Monday Mournings: The Death of a Father

My name is Shedrick Pittman-Hassett. I'm 39 (or at least, I will be by the time this is posted) and originally from Bowie, Texas--a small town in North Texas about halfway between Fort Worth and Wichita Falls. I've actually lived all over the state, spending most of my childhood in the Austin area. I've lived in Denton, Texas for the past fourteen years. I'm a librarian at an area community college and an aspiring writer.

DW: Who was the person that died? 

SP: My father, Larry, passed away in September of 1988. 

DW: How old were you at the time? 

SP: I was fifteen years old at the time. 

DW: How old was your dad? 

SP: He had just turned 37 earlier that month. 

DW: Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen? 

SP: Extremely sudden and unexpected. He had even had a physical relatively recently for insurance purposes and they gave him a clean bill of health--even though he was a smoker (this was 25 years ago). He had an explosive aneurysm of his aorta--essentially, the blood vessel had expanded to the point of rupturing and he had a massive heart attack. Because it was so unexpected, my mother (much to the consternation of some folks in my family) demanded an autopsy. It was determined that my dad most likely had Marfan Syndrome--a degenerative connective tissue disorder. None of us had ever heard of this until his death. As a result, most his side of the family have gotten themselves checked out for the various symptoms of the disorder. I did as well--and had to have a prosthetic aortic valve installed when I was 20 as I was suffering from same issues that killed my dad. If I had not known about Marfan Syndrome and had the surgery, I probably would have met the same end, only younger. 

DW: Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before your dad died? 

SP: No, his funeral was the first I had experienced, having died so young. 

DW: Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving? 

SP: People were pretty supportive, I'd say. I've always been the quiet, "sensitive" type and essentially this inspired more of the same, so my behavior wasn't too radical. My family have never been great talkers so everyone pretty much grieved quietly and, for the most, on their own. But that's generally how we all prefer it--leave us alone and we'll work it out. Don't make a fuss. I was fifteen, so occasionally the drama gene would kick in, much to my current embarrassment. But those instances were fairly few and far between. 

DW: Is there anything you wish you'd done differently with this person? 

SP: I wish I had gotten to know him as a person more. Because I was so young, and in such an awkward stage in my life, I really regret not getting to know him as an equal. And I wonder if he'd be pleased at how I turned out, being as how his last memories of me are as a gawky, slightly sulky teenager. Now that I've gotten older than he was when he died, it's very strange. I've always been told that I was a lot like my dad--both physically and personality-wise, so as I was growing older, I always had him as a benchmark of what I would be like at that age. Now, I'm pretty much on my own. I don't have a good sense of what I'm going to be like as I get older. And, of course, looking at my own rapidly receding hairline, I wish I had not teased him about his hair issues nearly so much! 

DW:  Was he buried or cremated? 

SP: He was buried in a family plot at a rural cemetery near Stoneburg, Texas. He's there with my paternal grandparents. The family was finally able to get him a decent tombstone a few years ago.

DW: Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you'd like to share?
SP: I think the biggest thing is that it's important to remember that everybody grieves in their own way and in their own time. I think when I started to stop grieving, I almost felt guilty about it. Like I was giving up on my father or something. So I would almost force myself to start grieving again or to grieve more. And it was about as false a thing as could be. We feel like there's an acceptable amount of time that you can spend on grief and if you don't, then you're a heartless person--and it's just not true. By the same token, if you take "too long", people get uncomfortable--but that's ultimately their problem, not yours. It takes as long as it takes, no more and no less. 

DW: Were any songs played at the memorial that were important to your dad? 

SP:  Not really. The service was very old school pentecostal (my paternal grandmother was an Assembly of God pastor) so it mostly featured old southern hymns. But my dad was never very religious. He believed in treating people right and being a good guy--and he succeeded pretty well at it. However, I do remember "American Pie" by Don McLean to be one of his favorite songs.

This one goes out to Larry

You can read a post that Shedrick wrote about his dad, here.

It's Sunday, My I Don't Have to Run Day

Yeah, and it's also a day that I don't normally blog.  But, I got a notification in my email that a fellow blogger said something incredibly nice about my blog and I felt positively joyful about it.  Jericha is all about joy, but lately she is feeling a bit blue.  I told her to wallow in her sadness.  I know I call myself the death writer, but in all honesty, I'm not particularly dark or melancholy, so don't think that's why I told her to wallow in sadness. If there's anything that annoys me, it's when another person tells me to "smile" or tries to cheer me up when I'm in a somber mood.  Sometimes it feels good to feel sad.  Am I right?  Come on, who's with me?
Here's a song that makes me feel kind of sad and to make it even sadder, there's Romeo and Juliet.

Okay, once again folks, I need your help.  After this week, I am out of people to interview for my Monday Mournings posts, as well as my Working with Death Wednesday posts.  So, would you be willing to share an experience of loss to my readers?  In addition to human loss, I want to talk with someone about the loss of a pet.  Know any veterinarians, funeral home workers, crime scene cleaners, etc?  Send them my way.

Thank you and have a joyful week.  Or a sorrowful one, if you choose.